Internal vs. External Locus of Control in Relationships – When Responsibility or Blame Decides Love’s Direction

Relationships are perhaps the most complex journeys we undertake as human beings. They can lift us to unimaginable heights or drag us into painful depths. At their core, they are not simply the joining of two people, but also the meeting of two worldviews – two ways of perceiving responsibility and control. A crucial psychological concept for understanding this is locus of control.

When one partner holds an internal locus of control and the other an external locus of control, the relationship dynamic often becomes a decisive factor in whether the love grows or collapses. The central question is: Do we take responsibility for ourselves and the relationship, or do we place responsibility on luck, fate, or our partner?

What locus of control means in relationships

The concept refers to where we perceive the source of control over our lives and actions.

• Internal locus of control: Believing that success or problems in the relationship largely come from one’s own actions. When facing crisis, the internal type asks: “What can I do to change this?”

• External locus of control: Believing that the relationship is shaped by forces outside oneself – the partner, luck, destiny, or circumstances. When things go wrong, the external type says: “It’s your fault. I had bad luck. These things always happen to me.”

Internal locus – strengths and traps

People with an internal locus of control are often more active and accountable in relationships. They:

• Take responsibility for their behavior.

• Seek solutions instead of staying in blame.

• Initiate communication and compromise.

Example: “I can see you’re hurt. I want to understand – what can I do to make this better?”

Trap: Too much internal control can become self-destructive. If one takes on all responsibility, they may end up carrying their partner’s burdens as well. This can lead to exhaustion and unfair guilt.

External locus – strengths and traps

Those with an external locus can sometimes appear more relaxed and trusting in life. In love, this can mean:

• Belief in destiny and natural flow.

• Less stress from not feeling personally accountable for everything.

Example: “If it’s meant to be, things will work out.”

Trap: In conflict, external types may default to blame or passivity:
“You always ruin things. It’s impossible to change. Let’s just see what happens.”

Dynamics between the two

When two internal types meet, relationships can be strong and solution-oriented, but also self-critical.
When two external types meet, relationships may lack direction, drifting into blame or avoidance.

When one is internal and the other external, an imbalance often arises:

• The internal partner takes responsibility, while the external shifts blame.

• The internal works hard to save the relationship, while the external waits.

• The internal grows through reflection, while the external remains stagnant.

Real-life examples

1. Finances

• Internal: “I need to revise my budget.”

• External: “It’s the government’s fault.”

2. Infidelity

• Internal: “I may have failed to show affection.”

• External: “You destroyed our relationship.”

3. Communication

• Internal: “I should become a better listener.”

• External: “You talk too much.”

Finding balance

The healthiest love finds balance:

• Self-reflection: Own what you can influence.

• Boundaries: Do not carry your partner’s responsibilities.

• Humility: Acknowledge life events beyond control.

• Communication: Talk openly about responsibility.

At life’s stages

• Infatuation: External locus feels romantic – fate, destiny, “we were meant to be.” Long-term love, however, requires internal responsibility.

• Crisis: Internal seeks solutions, external may flee.

• Aging: Internal fosters growth, external risks bitterness.

Personal reflection

Living aboard my sailboat taught me internal locus deeply – the sails, the wind, the sea. If I didn’t act, the boat could be lost. Relationships are the same. If you believe others, fate, or luck steer the ship, you risk losing it. But I also learned not to take on everything. In some relationships, I carried too much. The balance lies in standing firm in your responsibility while respecting what is not yours to carry.

Conclusion

Locus of control is not just psychology – it is a way of loving.

• Internal locus gives strength, accountability, and growth, but can become too heavy.

• External locus brings lightness and trust, but risks passivity and denial.

Love’s challenge lies in balancing the two – knowing when to take responsibility and when to accept. In the end, relationships are like sailing: the wind is external, but the rudder is in your hands.