There is a persistent narrative that returns every year as Christmas approaches: “the lonely elderly.” Phone lines open, reports about empty apartments, images of a single cup of coffee on a kitchen table. The message is almost always the same – loneliness as a failure, something sad that must be fixed.
But what if that picture isn’t entirely true?
What if it is, to a large extent, a projection?
Loneliness or peace?
For many people – especially those who have lived long lives, carried responsibility, had families, working lives, conflicts, relationships, separations – the Christmas holidays are not a void. They are a pause. A rare opportunity not to have to perform socially.
Being alone is not the same as being abandoned.
It can just as well be an active choice.
After a long life, you often know the difference between:
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being alone
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no longer having to please others
That difference is crucial – yet it rarely fits into media narratives.
The media’s need for stories
Press and media thrive on dramaturgy. Loneliness sells better than stillness. Sadness engages more than balance. That’s why a narrative is created where loneliness must always be a problem that demands action, campaigns, and headlines.
But something important is often forgotten in that story:
many older people have already run their social marathon.
They have experienced:
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loud Christmases
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family dinners full of unspoken conflicts
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expectations, roles, compromises
When they say “I’m celebrating on my own this year,” it doesn’t necessarily mean:
“No one wants me.”
It may just as well mean:
“Finally, I get to be left in peace.”
The stigma of loneliness
In our society, loneliness carries a strong stigma. It is automatically associated with failure, lack, exclusion. But for someone who is secure in themselves, solitude can be a space for reflection, recovery, and self-determination.
Often it is others who cannot tolerate the idea of loneliness – not the person actually living it.
Perhaps that is why the narrative is pushed so hard.
Because it triggers our own fear.
Christmas as a social straitjacket
Christmas is charged. Not only with warmth, but with demands:
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you should be happy
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you should gather
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you should feel togetherness
Those who don’t are quickly placed in a category.
But what if you simply don’t want to take part in the ritual?
For many older people, Christmas is not a loss – it is noise that finally quiets down.
Another way of looking at it
Maybe we should stop asking:
“How do we save the lonely?”
And instead start asking:
“Who decided what a good life is supposed to look like at Christmas?”
Not everyone wants the same answer.
Not everyone wants the same Christmas.
And that is not a problem – it is a sign of self-awareness.
Finally
There are absolutely people who suffer from involuntary loneliness. They should be taken seriously. But turning all older people who are alone into a collective tragic case risks taking something important away from them: their agency.
Because sometimes loneliness is not a cry for help.
It is a deep breath.
And perhaps we should become better at telling the difference between loneliness – and freedom.
By Chris...
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